


Letters to Sam Winchester

by CurrentlyLost



Series: The Letters [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fixing old wounds, Letters to each other, M/M, Sam and Castiel used to be really great friends, Sam is a huge fan of Castiel's work, Talking About the Past, mentions of past non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2020-10-25 01:57:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 13,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20716205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurrentlyLost/pseuds/CurrentlyLost
Summary: Letters exchanged between Castiel and Sam





	1. Dear Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> This story began after chapter 8 of Letters to Dean Winchester.

February 14, 2005

_ Hi, Castiel! _

_ It’s been so long since we talked! How are you doing? Dean told me you moved overseas and I think that’s really awesome! Send some pictures so we can see, when you get the chance. _

_ I wasn’t expecting to ever see/hear from you again. After high school, you just kind of dropped off the grid, but I’m glad to hear that your writing career is successful. The books you’ve written so far are amazing and I can’t wait for the release of your next one; I’m always looking on the shelves. _

_ This is probably weird to ask considering we haven’t talked in a while, but I was wondering if you’d sign my copies of your books? I’m a huge fan. _

_ I’m currently going to school to become a lawyer. Classes are a little tough, but all of my professors are great at what they do. I’m happy to say that I’m passing all my classes with flying colors, which is important. I got into Stanford on a full ride, but Dean has been supporting me while I’m off in college and I feel terrible about all the money he has to spend on me, but he just tells me to worry about my classes. _

_ But I feel he could go to college, too, Cas. He’s really smart. _

_ Hope to hear from you! _

_ Sam :) _


	2. Dear Sam

Mar 5th, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ It’s wonderful to hear from you again! You were always very kind to me. Before I say anything else though, I’d like to say Happy New Year! _

_ I’m proud of you for getting into such a great college, but I had no doubts you would go on to do amazing things. You’ve always been so incredibly smart and your desire to help people has always been so strong. I hope you find happiness in any path you choose. _

_ I’d be happy to sign anything you’d like me to. Just send it over and I’ll mail it back. Is there anything specific you would like for me to write? Just let me know and I’d be happy to do it. _

_ After high school and all that happened there and in the town, leaving was the best option for me. Getting to this point wasn’t an easy road, but it’s been worth it and I’m proud to say that I’m finally happy with who I am. I’m sorry I left without telling you goodbye. It was unfair to you, especially since your presence was the only solace I found in that horrible town. _

_ Your brother loves you very much, Sam. If there’s anything I can say about Dean with absolute certainty, it’s that he loves you more than life itself. He’d do anything for you. I do believe he can do anything he sets himself to do, so I agree with your statement regarding college. _

_ -Castiel _


	3. Dear Castiel

March 25th, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Dean thinks his letter got lost in the mail, but that’s not true, is it? I know he’s done some bad things to you in the past, but if you don’t want to talk with him right now you should just tell him that :) _

_ Here are my books! Sending packages priority is much more efficient than letters. I see that it takes about 20 days of travel time for a letter to reach one of us, but I do enjoy getting them! I’ve always wanted a penpal. _

_ I don’t have any special requests or anything, so whatever you see fit is good for me. Thank you so much, Cas. _

_ I’ve already told Dean, but I met this amazing girl in the gym last week and I’ve asked her out on a date! We’re going to dinner and a movie this Friday. I’ll let you know how it goes in my next letter. _

_ Hope to hear from you! _

_ Sam _

_ P.S Her name is Eileen. She’s deaf, but she can read lips very well. I’m learning sign language anyways :) _


	4. Dear Sam

Apr 3rd, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I hope you enjoy what I decided to write. Thank you, Sam, for being an amazing friend to me. _

_ I hope your date went well! If she makes you happy, please never give up. But also never let yourself become a second choice. I think it’s very sweet that you’re learning sign language for her. I took a few semesters in college and I can hold my way through a conversation, but it takes a little bit. It’s a very beautiful way of speaking. _

_ Please tell Eileen I said hello! _

_ -Castiel _

_ P.S Dean’s letter is in here. I just needed a break. I should’ve told him that, but it was easier just to go away. Again. Sorry, Sam. _


	5. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place a day after chapter 11 of Letters to Dean Winchester

April 10th, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ I love what you wrote for me in the book, thank you! _

_ My date with Eileen went great and we’ve been on a few more since my last letter. Oh man, Cas, she’s terrific and I think you’d like her. She said to tell you hi. I hope you don’t mind that I told her a little bit about you, but don’t worry it wasn’t anything personal. _

_ So I was thinking about maybe coming out to visit you sometime, if that would be okay? I’ve always wanted to travel out of the States and having a friend overseas seems like the best opportunity I’m ever going to get. Please let me know what you think! I’d hate to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured to say ‘yes’ so just be honest. I won’t be offended, I promise (if you're worried about that)! _

_ Hope to hear from you, _

_ Sam :) _

_ P.S Dean has been in a gloomy mood and he told me you decided to stop writing to him. I understand and respect your decision, so don’t worry. I’m not mad or anything, if you were afraid of that. I know there’s a lot of history between you two and it’s not all good. I hope you’re able to find some solace in knowing that Dean isn’t all okay either. _


	6. Dear Sam

Apr 20th, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I’m glad to hear about you and Eileen doing so well! You’ve always been a wonderful person so I have no doubts that you found someone just as wonderful. Maybe I’ll meet her one day. _

_ As for coming to visit me, if it’s you, I’d be okay with that. Plane tickets here are a tad expensive, but if you decide to come before summertime, it shouldn’t be that bad. If I may make a suggestion, book a first class flight. I promise you it’s completely worth it! You’ve always been my friend, Sam, and I’d never say no to your company. I have a decent sized home, so you don’t have to worry about space. You’re welcome to visit for as long as you’d like. _

_ Regarding your post script, please know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt Dean. I just need to take care of myself first and although it’s taken a while, my therapist has helped me greatly in convincing me of that. I’ll write to him one day again, I just don’t know when. _

_ By the time this letter makes it to you, you birthday may have already passed, so happy belated birthday, Sam. I wish you many, many, many more. _

_ -Castiel _


	7. Dear Castiel

May 11th, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Thank you for the birthday wishes! I had a wonderful time. Eileen and Dean baked me a huge birthday cake; I’m so happy they’re getting along wonderfully. Their sense of humor is kind of the same, so that’s probably why. _

_ They also ordered pizza and wings even though I told them I was on a diet because “C’mon, Sammy, one day of some junk isn’t gonna go straight to thighs. Live a little,” and I gotta tell you, Cas… Best cheat meal ever! Dean was right. _

_ So I was thinking about going sometime in late September. I can move things around better that far away and maybe I’ll stay there for Halloween, only if it’s okay with you of course. _

_ I talked to Dean about my plans to go visit you and he seemed… odd about it. He was happy for us, but it seemed a little forced. I’m sure he’s still hoping that you two will be friends again. _

_ Is there anything you’d like me to bring on the trip? Movies or books or anything? Let me know! I’m starting to prepare now. _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	8. Dear Sam

Jun 1st, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I’m happy to hear that Dean and Eileen have a connection! In my experience, it’s always difficult to date someone your family has difficulties accepting but I’m happy you’re in such a great relationship! _

_ Your birthday sounds like it was extremely fun! I’d like to hold another small birthday party for you here (just me and you), if that’s to your liking. As for bringing something, just bring yourself and whatever you need. I have a DVD player in my home, so you’re welcome to bring any movies you can’t live without for a month :) _

_ I hope you coming to visit doesn’t put a strain on your relationship with Dean. That’s the last thing I want. If plans end up changing, I’ll understand. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. _

_ -Castiel _


	9. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after chapter 13 of Letters to Dean Winchester

June 21st, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Thank you for checking on Dean. Getting a letter from you again made him happy and I appreciate that. He’s excited for us to meet again, but I can tell he wishes he was going as well. _

_ As for holding a little birthday party, I’d love that! More cake and junk food, right? Because that’s the best way to do it! Dean and Eileen are such a bad influence on me, Cas, I swear. I do great in my workout and diet plan and then we all get together and we’re eating nothing but junk! But it’s so good :( _

_ I have most of the planning done and my schedule is completely free then. Tomorrow, I’m booking my ticket (I’m going to take your advice and get first class) and then all I’ll have to do is wait. I can’t wait to see you again, Cas! _

_ Dean and I bought your book the other day and it’s really good so far! I haven’t had much time to read it as often as I’d like to, but I should have time this weekend! Dean is nearly finished with it; he hardly ever puts it down. I think he’s really proud of you, Cas. We both are. _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	10. Dear Sam

Jul 12th, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I will be happy to provide any junk food you would like, so we’ll go looking around together! _

_ I recently bought a cell phone so you and I could keep in touch while you’re here. I’ll have a phone waiting here for you that you could use since I don’t think there are any providers from the States located all the way out here. Don’t worry about any of that. You should also be able to call Dean from this phone to check in. _

_ I’m excited to see you, Sam. I’m sure there will only be maybe two or three letters between us before you’re here in person. _

_ -Castiel  
_ _ P.S I’m very happy to hear that you both are enjoying the book. Thank you! _


	11. Dear Castiel

August 3rd, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Do they have photo development stores over there? I’m wondering because Dean wants me to send pictures to him the month that I’m there. I’m sure there are, but I’d like to be sure. _

_ Thank you for getting me a cell phone to use! I’ll be sure to pay you for it as soon as I get there. I can’t get over the fact that I’ll be on the other side of the world in just a month (well, a little over)! _

_ I’ve done a bunch of research on the island and I have plenty of things I’d like to do after getting some rest. I can’t believe I never told you, but my flight gets in at 2am on the 29th (over there). I have a stop in Minneapolis and then South Korea before I get over there. Hopefully that’s not too late. That was the earliest I could book. _

_ Dean recently had a talk with Lisa and I’m not saying that it didn’t go well, but he did come home with a super red cheek, but he seemed content. Today he’ll be talking to Aaron, which surprises me because he avoids Aaron like there’s no tomorrow. When I asked him why he was, he told me that he needed to do the right thing. _

_ I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but I’m proud. I’d told him that he needed to come clean about everything that happened in high school and I thought he was going to keep putting it off like he normally does, but he’s tackling it and I couldn’t be any prouder. _

_ I don’t know if this is your doing, Cas, but if it is… thank you. Dean needs some positive influence in his life. I think talking to you really helped get the ball rolling. _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	12. Dear Sam

Aug 25th, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ Yes, there are photo shops here so you should be able to print things out no problem whenever you need to. It’s quite cheap, too. You don’t have to worry about paying me for the cell phone, it’s really not a problem. It’s a necessity. _

_ Picking you up at that time is not a problem. I’m normally awake then writing, so it won’t be much of a difference. I’m very happy to be seeing you soon, Sam, truly. It’s been way too long and I feel we have things to talk about, much like Dean and I do. Of course we don’t have to if you’d rather not, but I just want you to know that I’m aware. _

_ I’m happy to hear that Dean is doing something he feels he should, but I’m concerned about him being met in an aggressive manner when he’s trying to right some wrongs. Hopefully his talk with Aaron will go better and he won’t be coming home hurt. _

_ I don’t think anyone but Dean himself could’ve done this for him. He always struggled with talking about how he truly felt and it was very frustrating back in high school, but knowing that he’s making an effort to put himself out there and talk about something that terrifies him makes me extremely proud of him. _

_ Dean has come a long way from the boy I knew so long ago. _

_ -Castiel _


	13. Dear Cas

September 15th, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Only two more weeks left! I guess this will be my last letter to you for now. It’s so crazy that the year has gone by so fast. I guess that’s what happens when you’re enjoying life. _

_ Dean seems happier. He’s been writing furiously for the past week or so. I think it’s a letter to you, but he keeps tearing them up and tossing them away. I think he’s trying to word it all well. Please be patient for Dean. Also, please never tell him I told you that he’s having difficulties writing a letter to you. He’d kick my ass! _

_ Be seeing you soon  
_ _ Sam :) _


	14. Sam and Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our first live scene! It's mostly dialogue.
> 
> **Brief mention of underaged sex. Basically "We started fighting a lot and having sex".**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place before chapter 16 of Letters to Dean Winchester

“Sam, your brother has your current phone number in his phone, yes?” Castiel asked the taller man. They’d sat around all day reading books after coming back from the post office. After reading Dean’s letter, Castiel felt a very strong urge to contact him.

Sam looked up from his book, nodding. “Yeah. Why?” He asked, his gaze flickering to the letter on Castiel’s lap.

Castiel cleared his throat and straightened up. “I’d like to give him a call. If that’s all right with you, of course,” he added hastily, not wanting Sam to feel like he was forcing him to.

Sam broke out into a huge smile. “ _ Finally _ . I’ve been waiting for you to ask me all month,” he laughed. He reached over and grabbed his cell phone before handing it over to Castiel. “I thought we were going to have a talk about Dean a lot sooner.”

Castiel grabbed the phone and squirmed in his seat a little bit. “Well, it’s not as though I’ve been trying to avoid it or anything. I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it, and we’ve been having so much fun; I didn’t want to risk jeopardizing it. You were there for basically everything that happened and I didn’t think there was anything left to talk about concerning Dean and me,” he answered truthfully.

“You still haven’t brought up what you wanted to talk to me about either,” Sam said, slightly pushing him. “I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but I’m leaving pretty soon. I don’t want anything to be left unsaid between us.”

A deep breath and then, “Sam, I’ve felt bad about leaving without telling you a word. You were a very good friend to me and you never harmed me in any way. You were always there for me to talk to because you knew everything that was going on and you didn’t judge me. You always told me to trust myself, so I always felt really guilty about leaving you. I’m truly very sorry,” Castiel said as he reached over and put his hand on Sam’s, giving it a small squeeze. “You were important to me then and I know I didn’t really show it. You’re  _ still _ very important to me. You’re my brother.”

Sam stared at him for a moment, eyes clear before they suddenly watered. “At first, it didn’t really affect me. I understood that you needed to get away because everyone had treated you  _ so _ horribly, but then I got really angry. I was so angry that you would just leave and not give me any way to contact you. It wasn’t fair and I  _ hated _ you, Castiel. I hated you for what felt like such a long time, but it couldn’t have been more than a couple of weeks,” he said, exhaling shakily as his tears escaped. Castiel’s grip on Sam’s hand tightened. “But it’s okay, Cas. I understood. I still do. Dean and the others really did some messed up stuff to you. I don’t blame you for leaving, not anymore. I’m just happy we get to be friends again. We get to sit around reading books again.”

Castiel smiled, his own tears slowly rolling down his face as he nodded at Sam. “I won’t leave without a word ever again. I promise you. I thought about you often. Much more than I thought about anyone else.” Sam pulled him into a tight hug, rubbing his old friend’s back soothingly.

“I thought about you, too. But I knew you were okay, judging from your books,” he laughed softly, wiping his tears away as he continued holding Castiel who hugged back even tighter. They stayed silent, sniffling and chuckling every now and then before pulling away.

“Thank you, Sam,” Castiel said, giving him a bright smile.

“Don’t mention it.”

Castiel took another deep breath and then suddenly stood up. “There’s something I want to show. Can you follow me?” He asked. Sam stood up beside him and let Castiel lead the way into his bedroom. After flicking on the lights, he went to his closet and reached up towards the very back of the top shelf. He pulled down an old shoe box and sat on the floor, gesturing for Sam to do the same.

If there was anything he learned about Castiel that hadn’t changed in all these years, it was that he would rather sit on the floor than a comfortable couch in his own home (or a place he felt was like home). Even back when Castiel came to visit the brothers in their home, he would sit on the living room floor, his back leaning against the couch, normally between his brother’s legs. Sam would watch with awe as he brother ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair like he was born to do it. He’d never seen his brother do that with Aaron or Lisa.

Sam took a seat on the floor next to him and waited as Castiel stared at the box for a moment. Instead of opening the box, he began to speak. “I haven’t let myself think about this box since I put it back there when I moved into this house,” Castiel said, his fingers slowly tracing over the thin coat of dust that had gathered after years of neglect. Slowly, he pulled the top off and set it aside.

Sam leaned over and saw a bunch of folded up pieces of paper, some had ‘ _ Cas _ ’ written on them and others were blank. “What are these?” He asked.

The smile on Castiel’s face became wistful. “These were all the notes Dean gave me back in high school. We had secret places to stash these throughout the school.”

Sam smiled fondly. “I didn’t know about that,” he said.

“Yeah, no one did. That was the only thing we hid well,” explained Castiel. “One spot was in the library. Dean would put a note in Cat’s Cradle on page 24, to signify his birthday. And I would put my reply in The Wizard of Oz on page 18, for my birthday.” He pulled out one of the notes and slowly unfolded it, reading to himself.

‘ _ Dear Cas, _

_ I’m sorry I couldn’t meet up before breakfast. Lisa drove me to school today while my car is in the shop and she wasn’t going to let me go. _

_ I’ll Be came on the radio on the way here and I couldn’t help but think of you. _

_ I’ll see you between 3rd and 4th period and I’ll be waiting for your reply, somewhere.  
_ _ xo. _ ’

“Another place we hid our notes to each other was the restrooms in the back of the school by the gyms. The cleaner and less used ones,” he said. “We used the 3rd stall, directly in the middle. We’d tape it behind the toilet tank. There was no reason other than I used that stall every time I went into that restroom since there were no urinals.” Sam put his hand around Castiel’s shoulders and gave a comforting squeeze.

“We also hid letters in chemistry class. We had assigned seating, so he would tape his letter under the desk, as would I at his assigned seat. We always carried around scotch tape with us.” Castiel chuckled as he thought of the fond memories he had of Dean.

“Sounds like it would’ve been a scavenger hunt,” Sam said, smiling down at Castiel.

“It was in the beginning. We didn’t tell each other where we hid the notes for the first time. We would just give a location. I think it was a test to see how much we knew each other and it turns out we knew the most boring things about one another. Back then, it made me so happy to know that Dean cared enough about me to know these things.”

“Yeah?” Sam said softly.

“I loved him with all my being back then,” he admitted, looking back up at Sam. “I hated it. All it ever did was hurt me, but I couldn’t quit him. It started out so innocent, but then we fought a lot and started having sex and I don’t think there was actually any love involved with it. It just… wasn’t a healthy relationship.”

“It definitely wasn’t,” Sam agreed, thankful that Castiel wasn’t in that kind of relationship with Dean anymore. Dean, back then, was someone he definitely didn’t look up to, but he was thankful when Dean calmed down massively and began seeing what he’d been doing. Sam suspected it had something to do with actually telling him that he didn’t admire who he became. “What’s this?” Sam asked, reaching into the box and pulling out a small, black rectangle; A mixtape.

“Oh, Dean made that for me,” Castiel answered, taking the tape out of Sam’s hand and turning it over so they could see the title:

'_Deans_ _ Top 13 Zep Traxx _ ’

Sam eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw the title and he turned to Castiel. “He made you a  _ Led Zeppelin _ mixtape?” He asked, taking the mixtape back in his hands again.

“Yes. I figured he’d given one to Lisa and Aaron as well,” Castiel said. “I was so angry when I realized that, I wanted to throw it out but I just couldn’t because Dean barely gave me any gifts. I wanted to cherish it instead.”

“Cas, I can guarantee that he never made one for Aaron or Lisa. Led Zeppelin is sacred to our family,” he explained, surprised that Castiel didn’t know that since he and Dean were best friends before they started their secret relationship.

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, his head tilted in confusion. Sam always found that endearing.

“Our parents fell in love to Led Zeppelin. And you know us, family is the most important thing to us,” he said, smiling when he saw Castiel nod in agreement. “So the band is very important to the family, especially since our parents passed when we were younger. Our mom used to tell Dean the stories and then when they died, he would pass those stories down to me.”

Castiel looked back down at the tape. “So, you’re saying Dean made me this because he actually _loved_ me?” He asked.

Sam nodded eagerly. “Yeah. Definitely a lot more than he led you, and even him, to believe.” Sam sighed heavily. “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore since… Well, everything happened. When did he give this to you?”

Castiel thought for a moment trying to remember if it was before their huge fight or after. “I want to say it was after we had our falling out. It was taped under my chemistry desk. I was… surprised to find anything there, let alone a mixtape.”

Sam nodded along and reached into the box, moving the letters around but not taking them out because those were private between Cas and Dean. “There’s so many here, Cas,” he said quietly. “Why did you keep them?”

Castiel shrugged. “I think I told myself that I wanted to keep them to remember the Dean who was my best friend, but I think it was to remember that he did care for me once upon a time. I think I need to be reassured about it, that I didn’t go through all that pain for nothing.”

Sam gave him a small smile. “You’re a great guy, Cas. Dean was stupid to let you go,” he said.

Castiel leaned against Sam’s side a little more. “I used to wish I’d fallen for you instead, but you were too young and it was always ‘Dean, Dean, Dean’ with me back then,” Castiel said, chuckling at how one track minded he was.

Sam hugged him. “You know, I used to think the same. I’d wished you loved me instead,” Sam admitted, red staining his cheeks. Castiel pulled away and looked into Sam’s eyes, searching.

“I’m so sorry, Sam. I… I didn’t realize,” he said, his heart breaking for his friend. Sam bumped his shoulder against Castiel’s playfully.

“It was years ago, Cas. Don’t worry about it. Besides, I’m happy now.” They smiled at one another and Castiel nodded, understanding that everything happened for a reason. Even if Sam would’ve been better for him, Castiel knew he wouldn’t have been good for Sam at all. He would’ve saved himself a lot of heartache, but he’d rather take all this pain himself than subject Sam to it.

“It was best. I was a wreck,” he said. He stood up and stretched, his back popping. “Let’s go eat some lunch, yeah?” He suggested.

“You know I can’t turn down any food,” Sam said as he stood and walked out of Castiel’s room, rushing for the kitchen.

“Oh, yeah. I know,” Castiel teased, a fond smile on his lips as he followed Sam to the kitchen, leaving the box right where it was.

“Are you still going to call Dean?” Sam asked as they were making their sandwiches.

“I believe so. He’s apologized many times in his letters, but I need to  _ hear _ him say it. I need to see if he actually means it,” he replied easily. “Besides, I think it’s time he and I had a talk. I’ll go out onto the balcony in a bit.”

“You should finish your sandwich first.”

“It’s already very late there,” Castiel said. “It’s better to do it now in case I change my mind.” He and Sam made their food in silence and then moved to the living room where Sam browsed through the movie collection.

“What would you prefer?”

“You should put on something you want to see for now and then we’ll choose when I get back in,” Castiel suggested. Sam agreed and put on a comedy. Castiel picked up Sam’s phone and stepped out onto the balcony.

He went into the contacts and smiled when he saw only he and Dean were on the list. He clicked on Dean’s contact and stared at it for a moment. He was about to hear Dean’s voice. He was about to listen to him say his name and answer the questions he needed answers to.

He took a deep breath and exhaled before pressing ‘Call’ and holding his breath as the line rang.

_ Click _ . 

“ _ Hey, Sammy! _ ”

Castiel’s heart clenched at the sound of Dean’s voice and he knew then he was screwed.


	15. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place after chapter 18 of LTDW

November 23rd, 2005

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ I made it home safe and sound! The flight back was just as awesome as the flight there. You know, I actually really miss being over there. I’m glad to be home, but it was comforting sharing a home with you for that month! I hope we can do it again next year, or maybe you can come stay with us over here for a bit? Let me know what you think! _

_ I had a talk with Dean about me moving out of California when I graduate. Maybe not back to Texas, but somewhere else and he’s on the fence about it. You know Dean, he doesn’t really like change but I think he could come around to it. At least a road trip. _

_ So how’s your newest book going? I know you were just starting to outline while I was out there, but I’m curious to know  _ _ anything _ _ about it, so please tell me what you can about the plot! _

_ Dean really likes the pictures I sent, even though it got here almost a week after I did :) He said you looked really good. Happy and healthy. _

_ Eileen was also happy to see the pictures as well and my sign language has gotten better (thank you for the lessons while I was over there :)), so I was able to tell her about it using it. She looked so proud of me. She saw the pictures of you and she wanted me to tell you that she loves your eyes! _

_ I hope to hear from you soon, Cas. A phone call if you’re able to, but no pressure. I guess I just miss you a lot. I’d gotten used to not seeing you years ago, but being able to live with you for a little bit and then having to leave? That was a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be. _

_ Hope to hear from you _ _   
_ _ Sam :) _

_ P.S Happy Thanksgiving, Cas! _


	16. Sam and Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A phone call between the two. Most dialogue. Hope y'all enjoy!

December 20th, 2005

Sam was sitting in the living room watching Elf with Eileen and Dean. Dean loved this movie and preferred to watch it over any other Christmas movie out there aside from the first two Home Alone movies. It was pretty late, but Sam and Eileen had been last minute Christmas shopping the whole day and the two wanted to spend time with Dean.

Sam’s phone rang loudly on the coffee table in front of them and Dean groaned. “I thought we agreed on no phones,” he complained. Sam grabbed his phone and he visibly brightened up when he saw who was calling.

“It’s Cas! I’m gonna take this,” he said, standing up. He told Elieen he would be right back and held up his phone to her.

“Do you want us to pause it?” Dean asked, voice quieter now. Sam shook his head. “Okay. Well, tell Cas I said hey.” And then he turned back to the screen. Sam stepped outside onto the porch and answered the call.

“Cas, hey!” He said cheerfully.

“ _ Hello, Sam. How are you? _ ” He asked. Sam smiled. He definitely missed Castiel.

“I’m doing great! All three of us are watching Elf. It’s Dean’s favorite. Tomorrow we’ll probably watch Home Alone,” Sam said. “How about you?”

“ _ I’m doing well. I haven’t watched many movies, especially Christmas ones, but I’ve been writing pretty vigorously since you’ve left. I believe I need to preoccupy my mind. _ ”

Sam laughed. “Yeah, I miss you, too, Cas,” he said.

Castiel chuckled. “ _ It feels weird still. Oh, before I forget! Inias and Kevin wanted me to tell you they said hello! Josie misses you, but you know her. She’s not actually going to say anything like that. She really took a liking to you, _ ” he said.

Sam sighed sadly. “I felt so bad. She and I had a lot of great conversations, but I love Eileen. I could never.”

“ _ I know, Sam. And she does, too. She’d never hold any ill will towards anyone. Meg also said something along the lines of ‘Tell that tall drink of water to get his ass back here soon’, so um, I guess get back here soon. _ ” 

Sam threw his head back and let out a loud laugh. “That sounds like her. Man, Cas, I sure am glad I got to meet all your friends there. Oh, actually how are Cesar and Jesse doing?” Sam asked, knowing that the two were on the brink of splitting when he left.

Castiel sighed. “_They decided to give it another try and it seems like things are going well so far. I have hope that the two will work out this time. Of course, whenever it seems like an argument is going to break out, one of them will come over here and have a cup of tea with me. It helps both of us, so I really don’t mind it._”

“I guess it’s a good thing they live down the road,” Sam said. During his time there, Jesse and Cesar would come over a few times a week seeing as they lived so close and Sam really enjoyed their company. They were extremely funny and treated everyone around them with respect. They were so gentle with Castiel whenever he seemed to have a day when his mood was down. They brought him food from his favorite restaurant and would come over with movies and extra pillows and blankets. It really warmed Sam’s heart. He wished Castiel could’ve met them sooner in his life, but he tried not to dwell on that. He was just happy they were in Castiel’s life now.

“ _ Yes, I like having them close in case they need me or… I need them. I never really feel alone, you know? _ ”

“Yeah, I get what you mean. The only thing I hate about California is that both Dean and Eileen are here in Texas and I’m… so far away. It was hard enough leaving him, but adding Eileen into the mix? It became even harder.”

“_Do you want to move back home?_” Castiel asked.

“No, I couldn’t. Stanford doesn’t offer any online classes and it’s not like computers are cheap and then there’s the dial up… I couldn’t ask Dean for all that and then it wouldn’t matter because of the online classes,” he said, upset that he was so far away from all the people he loved.

“_It’s okay, Sam. I understand. You have a few years left of college and then you can decide from there_,” Castiel said, his voice soft with comfort. Sam smiled. Castiel’s voice always soothed him.

“Thanks, Cas. You’re right. I have plenty of time,” he said.

“_Yes, you do. And you’re not alone. All of us are a phone call away._” Then he caught himself. “_Oh, erm, I mean… I don’t mean to be insensitive to Eileen, Sam, I apologize._” Castiel sounded  _ so _ apologetic that Sam couldn’t help but laugh.

“She would laugh herself if she saw you struggling like you are,” he laughed. “Don’t worry about it.”

Castiel let out a sigh of relief. “_Thank God,_” he breathed out. “_Oh, if I may ask, could you send me a few photos of you and Eileen? I’d like to see her, if she's okay with that, of course._”

“Yeah, of course, Cas. Would you like one of Dean, too?”

A pause.

“_I’ll be honest. I… don’t know. I’d like to see him, but I’m also afraid to,_” Castiel admitted quietly.

Sam felt terribly for Castiel. “Do you know why?” He didn’t want to push Castiel, but he knew it was sometimes better to admit things than to hold them in. Sam wouldn’t tell a soul anyways.

“_I’m afraid to still be attracted to him. I'm afraid he'll still make my heart flutter the way he did back then_,” Castiel said feebly.

Sam nodded. “I understand. Don’t worry, I’ll only send you pictures of the better looking Winchester,” Sam said, hoping to make his friend laugh. He smiled widely when he did.

“_Well, then I look forward to getting them._”

“So, what are your plans for today?”

“_I think I’ll go for a jog, do some reading, get some laundry done, and then finish the day off with some writing,_” Castiel said. “_Oh, I have one of your shirts here._”

“I didn’t realize I forgot one. Which one is it?”

“_Wow, you both really do enjoy Led Zeppelin._”

“Oh, yeah. Well, you can keep it or send it back. It’s not really pressing. Oh, in a couple of weeks I’ll be going back to California, so make sure to switch over to my dorm’s address,” Sam said.

"_I’ve already sent a letter. I think it should get to you. I sent it five or six days ago._”

“If not, Dean can just forward it,” he said.

“_Sounds good. I should let you get back to the movie and I’d hate to run up a high phone bill for you. I’ll call again soon, Sam,_” Castiel said.

“Okay, Cas. I look forward to it. Before I forget, Dean says hi.”

“_Tell him I said hello. I’ll talk to you soon, Sam,_” Castiel replied, a smile in his voice.

“See ‘ya, Cas.”

_ Click _ .

Sam stared down at his phone for a moment before heading back inside. He smiled fondly when he saw Eileen teaching Dean a little more sign language, the movie paused where he left off.

“Hey, how’d it go? Is Cas okay?” Dean asked with a genuine smile, glancing up at him before returning his attention to Eileen’s facial expressions. Sam took a seat on the coffee table.

“He’s doing great. Apparently his writing is going awesome,” Sam said. “He said hi back, by the way.”

Dean smiled wider. “That’s good. I’m excited for his next one. I wonder if he’ll ever release a series or anything,” he said. Eileen smiled up at him.

“Is Castiel doing okay?” She asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. He’s doing great. He wants us to send him pictures of us, if that’s okay.”

“We can go take some tomorrow and get them printed out. Do you want to go somewhere specific?” She asked, taking his hands. Sam held them tightly.

Sam shook his head. “Here is good. Unless you wanted to?”

“Here is good,” she repeated with a smile.

“I’ll take them for y’all,” Dean said, a sad smile on his face. Sam knew he didn’t need to tell Dean that Castiel didn’t want a picture of him and he was glad. He didn’t think he’d be able to say anything to hurt Dean. Sam was proud that he was taking it really well.

“Thanks, man.”

“Anything for my little bro! Let’s finish this movie and then head to bed. I have an early appointment with Benny tomorrow.” They all settled back in their original spots and played the movie.


	17. Dear Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place at the same time as chapter 18 of LTDW

Dec 15th, 2005

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I’m glad to hear you made it back home safely! I also miss waking up to the smell of your amazing breakfasts and seeing you as well. I became attached in the month you were here, and I do hope to see you again soon. I don’t know if I’m quite ready to go back to the States, but I will say that there’s also a possibility of my mind changing. We’ll just have to see! _

_ I hope Dean ends up taking you upon that offer. I think a change of scenery would benefit both of you. _

_ My current book is going very well, actually. Unfortunately, I cannot give away anything of it. Part of my writing process is not to give away any details. But, this time, I will give your address, and even Dean’s address, to my publisher so they can send you a copy once it’s completed. _

_ I’m very happy to hear that they both liked the pictures you took. They all came out very well. Thank you for letting me make my own copies of them. I have the ones of us hanging on my fridge with one of the magnets we went shopping for when you were getting souvenirs for Dean and Eileen. _

_ I’m extremely proud of you for telling Eileen of the entire trip in sign language and tell her I said thank you for her lovely compliment on my eyes, and Dean as well for his. _

_ By the time you get this letter, I would’ve probably already called you so no need to worry about that. _

_ I really miss having you here. I don’t think I could ever say that enough. _

_ -Castiel_

_ P.S I hope Thanksgiving was great for you! I had a big dinner with my friends here at my place. They all say hello! Merry Christmas to you and your family! _


	18. Dear Castiel

January 5th, 2006

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Happy New Year! By the time you get this letter, I’ll have gone back to California. It’s going to be really hard leaving them, but I want to make them proud. Soon, I’ll graduate and won’t have to be away so much. _

_ Recently, I’ve decided that I’m going to get a job while going to school. Dean wasn’t too excited about it. He insisted that he could take care of me and I should focus on school, but then he took a deep breath and smiled and said he was proud of me.  _

_ I was surprised, but Benny has really been getting through to him. He’s made so much progress. He actually sat me down last week to talk about something that was bothering him! I was shocked, but also so damn proud. _

_ Really, Benny is a perfect therapist for Dean. I recently met him and he’s really cool! His voice is extremely soothing and just makes you feel at home. Eileen likes him, too!  _

_ How is the new year going for you? And how’s everyone else over there? I miss Meg and Inias bickering and Cesar’s cooking! He made the best chicken fried steak I’ve ever tasted (Don’t tell Dean!). _

_ I hope I can keep writing as frequently as I have because my schedule is crazy this year. I’ll do my best though! I promise I’m not gonna stop writing. _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	19. Dear Sam

Jan 26th, 2006

_ Dear Sam, _

_ Happy New Year! It’s been amazing getting back in touch with you and seeing how much you’ve grown these past six years. I’m glad we’re part of each other’s lives again. Thank you for coming to visit me! If you ever want to come any sooner (since Dean informed me you were saving up again for the end of this year), let me know and I’ll get a ticket for you. _

_ I’m excited to hear about your job! How is it going? I know Dean always talked about supporting you while we were in school together, so I imagine stepping back was difficult for him. I’m glad Benny has been giving Dean the support he needs, and having you and Eileen by his side must help him immensely. I’m glad he has you both. _

_ Everyone here misses you as well. They ask about you often and they smile when talking about you; It’s endearing. The fact that they like you so much goes to show how amazing they are, because you’ve always been a wonderful person. _

_ Don’t fret having to write me back as soon as you get a letter, Sam. I promise I’ll still be here and I understand how stressful school can become, so just relax and write me when you’re ready. I’m extremely proud of you. _

_ -Castiel  
_ _ P.S Tell Eileen I said hello next time you see her. _


	20. Dear Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after chapter 23 of LTDW

Mar 9th, 2006

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I know you’re busy with school and work and I’m completely proud of you. I’m sorry for interrupting, but I was wondering if I could get your thoughts on something. _

_ Dean and I have decided that talking through letters and even over the phone isn’t the best option for us. Talking face to face is a much better way to get our thoughts and feelings across to one another with miscommunication. The dilemma we’re facing is that I’m not sure I want to see him.  _

_ He said that we shouldn’t see each other until I was positive I wanted to do that. The old Dean probably would’ve already been on my doorstep with no consideration of how it made me feel and I have to admit that it’s really nice. I can tell Dean has changed and is still changing into a better him. From what he and you have told me, he’s made so much progress in such a short amount of time. It’s honestly inspiring. _

_ I want your opinion, Sam. At your own time, of course. I can wait. _

_ -Castiel _


	21. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 24 of LTDW

April 3rd, 2006

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ Sorry for replying so late! School has been hectic, but work is a nice place for me to mellow out. I enjoy all of my classes and the professors are all very helpful, which is surprising because there’s always that one, right? But, nope! All of them are amazing at what they do. _

_ Eileen has been great! We write to one another, but I do miss her. She’s coming to see me in a few weeks and I’m extremely excited! I also keep forgetting to send you the photos of us that we took! I ended up leaving them at our home in Texas, so I’ll ask Dean to mail them for me. _

_ So about Dean… It’s really tough to express how I feel about it since it’s something between the two of you. Sure, I was there and I know most of what happened between y’all, but it’s not really something that involves me. I want you and Dean to become, at least, okay again, but I also don’t want either of you to force yourself into difficult positions to accommodate the other. _

_ Therapy for Dean has been something he’s needed for a while and you giving him that nudge was the best thing to happen. But I’m confused on your situation. You wanted closure and you’re still in the process of getting it, but friendship with Dean? That’s another thing. Is that something you truly want or are you just chasing old memories and feelings? What will you be getting out of it? Do you want friendship or do you want more? These are things you need to ask yourself, Cas. _

_ If you’re unsure about any of these, then maybe you need to take a step back, for both your sake and Dean’s. You have both been through a lot. _

_ Those questions are for you to answer. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I hope to hear from you soon, Cas. I miss you. I’m working hard to save up money to visit maybe around December! _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	22. Dear Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place before chapter 24 of LTDW

Apr 24th, 2006

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I’m glad to hear about your classes and professors! Are you remembering to take care of yourself as well? _

_ I got your pictures in the mail today and Eileen is absolutely stunning! She’s a perfect match for you. I’m so delighted to see a huge smile on your face when you’re standing next to her. I hope to meet her one day! They’re on my fridge, so I can see them every time I’m in my kitchen. _

_ I’ve had time to think on more of the situation, and talk with my therapist, and I believe I’m ready to face him. I had been taking pride in the fact that I’m not the same person I used to be, but when it came to taking a step forward in that situation in the direction I wanted to go in I just couldn’t. _

_ I’ve been seeing how hard he’s been working to set himself and his wrongdoings right, but I hadn’t ever tried to do the same. I went to therapy to get over everything that had happened and I moved to the other side of the world, but I never considered that I owed Dean more than I was giving him. _

_ But the fact is that I do. I hurt him as well and everything that happened between us wasn’t just his fault. I’ve decided that if a friendship between he and I is possible right now, then talking face to face is part of the process. _

_ Originally, I had hesitated because I’d loved Dean for most of my life and I’m not convinced I still don’t feel that way, but even if I do… I need to be able to close that chapter of my life. Not necessarily Dean himself, but rather the events that took place during that time in our lives. Both of us need to do that. _

_ Thank you for giving me your thoughts on it. I greatly appreciate it. I’ll let you know what comes next. _

_ I miss you, too, Sam, truly. December would be an amazing time to see you. But, remember, if you ever want to come sooner and your schedule permits that, let me know and I’ll arrange everything. _

_ -Castiel _

_ P.S I don’t know if Dean told you, but I called to yell at him when I got his last letter, which prompted me to send you my previous letter. I felt so… ashamed. I don’t enjoy carrying any anger in myself. In fact, I hadn’t felt anger in years. I had a good talk about it with my therapist and it helped immensely. I just wanted to tell you and apologize for yelling at him. I know you’re as protective of Dean as he is with you. _

_ Also, by the time you get this letter, your birthday will have passed. So happy belated birthday, Sam! I’m very proud of the man you’ve grown into. _


	23. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 24 of LTDW

May 15th, 2006

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ I’m doing much better taking care of myself, but it is a struggle balancing school and work and studying (I can definitely see why Dean wanted me to just focus on school), but I’m getting more and more used to it! _

_ I’m glad you finally got the pictures! Eileen is definitely gorgeous, isn’t she? :) I’m also excited to hear that we made it onto the fridge! Speaking of, how is everyone over there? I can’t wait to see everyone again when I next visit! I think Eileen has been thinking about coming with me next time, too, but she hasn’t said anything about it. I don’t want to bring it up either, just in case she feels pressured. But I have hinted that it would be awesome either way. _

_ Hearing you say that you’re ready to face Dean brings a smile to my face. Like, sure, it would’ve been completely fine if you decided not to, but knowing that you’re thinking it over so much and being positive about what you wanted to do is so like you. _

_ Dean has been doing great lately! Benny has been a huge help to him and I couldn’t be more grateful. Just knowing that he has both Benny and Eileen (she visits him pretty much every day! Dean knows more sign language than I do now, but I’ll catch up! I’m reading books on it while working) really keeps me at peace. I know he’s not alone, even though I kind of feel alone. _

_ I love the friends I have here, but it’s not the same. My friend new Jessica, she just started at Stanford this past semester, is really cool and she always makes sure that I’m not feeling alone. She invites me to parties and makes sure to include me in group plans. I think you’d like her. She’s more understanding than my others friends. _

_ Have you decided if you’re coming back to the States or if you’re going to ask Dean to go over to Guam? Let me know! I’m honestly pretty excited to hear about everything. _

_ I know you’re worried about your feelings for Dean, so if you wanted, I wouldn’t mind going with him. But if you’d rather it all be private then that’s okay, too. I promise it is. No one is going to make you feel guilty about spending time with Dean and no one is going to talk bad about you. I know you had a really tough time with that back in high school, so I wanted to assure you that everything is okay. Things are different now. _

_ Dean told me about the phone call and I promise that I’m not mad at you, not even a little bit. So don’t worry about that :) Also, to know that you’d be willing to help me pay for my trip up there is really heartwarming. I may take you up on that to visit again at the same time as last year! _

_ Thank you for your birthday wishes! I wasn’t able to go back to Texas this year and Dean and Eileen couldn’t make a trip here, but my friends threw a small party in my favorite restaurant here. It was really fun, but I really wish I could’ve been back in Texas. I’ll be there soon again for the summer and then the Holidays again! I’m excited for that! _

_ I haven’t written a letter this long in a while! _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :)_

_P.S Send a response letter back to our address in Texas!_


	24. Dear Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes places before chapter 25 of LTDW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had been planning on taking a short break, but in honor of My Chemical Romance reuniting, here's an update! Back then, when my dad was sick and passed September 2012, their music helped a lot but they shortly split up March 2013. It was difficult and my writer's block had never been more intense. A couple of years later, I discovered MCR fanfiction and although I don't enjoy writing fics about real people, it managed to help me out of my writers block so I was willing to go with it. Having them back is something I never thought would happen. Before I moved here to Guam in early August, one of the things I said was "They better not get back together when I'm on the other side of the world", so I guess it's really just my luck! Either way, I'm really happy and proud that the boys are happy and healthy enough to want to do this again <3 I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! I'll be updating LTDW right after this one

Jun 5th, 2006

_ Dear Sam, _

_ It would be amazing if both you and Eileen wanted to come visit me! I would definitely love to meet her, but only if she’s comfortable doing so of course. I’d love to see you two ringing the bell together at Two Lovers Point. _

_ Thank you so much for understanding me, Sam. Truly, it means a lot to me. Having you back in my life was the best thing to happen to me in a while and it never would’ve happened if I hadn’t reached out to Dean. I owe him that, but I know him. He won’t think of it that way. He just wants to see you happy more than anything. _

_ Knowing that Dean is also making an effort to communicate with Eileen because she’s now a part of your life brings a smile to my face. But I’m sad to hear that you’re feeling lonely despite having your friends. If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to send me a letter whenever you need to get things off your chest. _

_ I’m happy to hear about you making a new friend who is so understanding of your feelings and your way of doing things! Knowing she’s there makes me feel more at ease about you being so far away from your family. _

_ I’ve asked Dean but I have yet to receive a response. I probably should’ve called him. I think it would be better if he and I had the discussion in private, but I’d love all three of you to come to Guam if it’ll be happening here. I’m sure everyone would love to see you and to meet Eileen and Dean. _

_ Thank you for telling me it was okay. Back then, the worst thing was hearing the whispers when Dean and I would walk out of the school together or the looks on our mutual friends faces when I briefly mentioned something Dean and I did on the weekend. It was as if everyone forgot we were best friends before we were anything else and I had to keep quiet about it or more rumors would spread. _

_ It wasn’t as if he and I did anything inappropriate most of the time. In fact, all we really did was watch movies and play board games and just talk, but no one was going to believe that and it wasn’t their business either way. It’s difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I don’t have to keep anything a secret anymore. That everything is okay. I still feel like I’m… sinning, for lack of a better word. Thank you for reassuring me, Sam. _

_ I can’t wait for you to be back home for the summer and the Holidays! I can always tell you’re much happier there even through your letters. _

_ Before I forget, Meg says she’ll be waiting for that arm wrestling rematch, Inias wants to teach you how to make this difficult looking cake, Cesar and Jesse are waiting for that beer, Josie wants to discuss this book and new documentary with you, and I’m just waiting to spend time with you again. You always have a family here, too, Sam. Always remember that :) _

_ -Castiel  
_ _ P.S If you couldn’t tell, I seem to be missing you more and more. I hope that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel guilty for going home. _


	25. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 27 of LTDW

July 7th, 2006

_ Dear Cas, _

_ Thank you again for our tickets! Dean got your email earlier this morning and, don’t tell him I told you, but he’s suuuuuuper excited! And just as nervous, but he’s really gotten on the ball with things. He already got the time off approved from work, started making a list of what to pack, he’s getting my things ready for me since I’ll be busy up until we leave with testing at school, making sure to pay the bills ahead of time, and he’s bought a couple of suitcases since he and Eileen didn’t have one. _

_ Honestly, Cas, it’s so amazing to see how Dean treats her. He accepted her readily into the family when I brought her home to meet him, and he’s learned sign language and he makes sure that he’s there when she needs someone. It’s really heartwarming to see. He knows how much Eileen means to me. Nothing would ever change that. _

_ Sorry, I guess I’ve just been feeling a little weird lately because my friend Jessica called me yesterday to ask how everything was doing. It was great to hear from here and everything, but then she sort of hinted at having feelings for me. Eileen was right there! So I did my best to explain to Jessica that while I was extremely flattered, I’m in a very happy relationship. _

_ Eileen could read my lips since I was facing her and she was laughing a little at how flustered I was. I apologized to her and she was thrown off by it. She said she understood and that Jessica had good taste, which made me feel a lot better that she wasn’t insecure. _

_ So that’s all that’s new with me. How are you? Are you excited to see us? Specifically me, since I know I’m your favorite! :) I’m just really happy that it’s really soon this time! We don’t have to wait months just to see each other! It’s really only just a couple of letters between us. _

_ I’m going to be bringing some other movies this time around to switch it up, and your newest book so I can totally fanboy and ask you for your autograph in person! _

_ I’m just so excited to see you again, Cas! _

_ Hope to hear from you,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	26. Dear Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place before chapter 28 of LTDW
> 
> **There is mention of past non-con in Castiel's past (the third paragraph), but there is no explicit detail**
> 
> For the line in the story, please read the notes at the end before continuing with this chapter! Stay safe! <3

Jul 27th, 2006

_ Dear Sam, _

_ I’m glad to hear that Dean is doing all these really great things for you and Eileen, but, like I said, he would give you the world if he could so it really is no surprise. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing him again. All the things you’ve told me about the new him, and experiencing it myself, has made me excited to see him once again. It makes me feel as though he and I can become friends again, like we used to but with more wisdom on how to approach everything. _

_ I’m sorry to hear that your friend Jessica told you her feelings with no regard as to how that would’ve made you and Eileen feel, but I’m relieved that Eileen took it in stride. She seems like a terrific woman. But I also want to assure you that Jessica and Josie weren’t friendly to you with the motive of trying to date you, Josie wasn’t at least (I don’t know Jessica). I want you to know that not all people will be nice to you just for that, if I’m making sense. _

_ Back when I lived in Round Rock I had a very good friend. He was so amazingly nice and always went out of his way to check on me. He came over often on his days off and we would watch movies and eat junk together; It was an amazing friendship. But I learned the hard way that he was only doing it because he was trying to become sexual with me, and when I refused he got very forceful. _

_ After that horrific experience, it was hard for me to trust someone who was that nice. I felt like everyone had a secret agenda. A few months later I met another man, who was so kind and wonderful and always had my best interests in mind. I invited him over one night and we watched movies and ate junk food and, at the end of the night, he asked for a hug and left. You’ve met this man, Sam. It was Inias. He showed me that not everyone was nice just because they wanted something from you. I just wanted you to know that. _

_ I’m very, very excited to see you, Sam. I have it marked on my calendar. I’ll be picking you up at 3 in the morning on September 13th. I can’t wait to hug you again, as I’ve discovered you give the best hugs. _

_ It would also be an honor to sign your book for you! _

_ -Castiel _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line is: "Back when I lived in Round Rock I had a very good friend. He was so amazingly nice and always went out of his way to check on me. He came over often on his days off and we would watch movies and eat junk together; It was an amazing friendship. But I learned the hard way that he was only doing it because he was trying to become sexual with me, and when I refused he got very forceful."


	27. Dear Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before 29 of LTDW

August 17th, 2006

_ Dear Castiel, _

_ This will probably be the last letter between us before we see you! I’m extremely excited to see you! I think you give great hugs, too, Cas! _

_ Thank you for trusting me and telling me about your experience in Round Rock. I know that must’ve been difficult for you. I’m really sorry you had to go through that, but I’m also glad you got meet Inias there as well. He’s a really sweet kid. How did he end up in Guam, too? I never heard that story! If it’s okay with both of y’all, please tell me when we get there! I also want to stress that if you ever need to talk to someone about it (or anything, really), I’m here for you always. You’ll never be alone again. _

_ I also want to thank you for reassuring me that not every nice person has ulterior motives; It was really starting to bring me down. I started thinking that Jessica was just being nice because she wanted a romantic relationship with me and it threw me off. I was afraid there weren’t any nice people in the world left who were being kind just because. _

_ But I feel a lot better so thank you! I can’t wait to see you, Cas. I know I say that a lot, but I mean it every time! We’ll see you at around 3 in the morning on the 13th. _

_ Be seeing you soon,  
_ _ Sam :) _


	28. Sam, Eileen, and Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast and meaningful conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all!
> 
> Here's a new chapter of LTSW! I haven't updated this since November, so I'm really happy to be adding a chapter to it. This chapter is about Sam getting the closure he needs regarding his feelings for Cas, of course, with the help of the lovely Eileen <3
> 
> I really enjoy writing Sam's character, and I hope you all enjoy him as well!

September 14th, 2006

“Hey, Cas. Where’s Dean?” Sam asked as he came into the living room.

Castiel looked up from a book he was reading. He had another hour of reading before he was to get to writing. He put his book aside and stood up to greet Sam with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Good morning, Sam. Dean went out for a walk about,” he looked at the clock, “ten minutes ago now. Did you sleep well?” Castiel asked. Sam hugged him back tightly, a sigh falling from his lips.

“Yes and no. I’m still so exhausted from the flight,” Sam huffed. “But your beds are extremely comfortable, so yes and no. How about you?” Sam clung to Castiel. Around Castiel, Sam seemed to revert back to a young kid and it made Castiel happy to see the Sam he remembered while also getting to know the adult Sam. He knew it was selfish, but missing out on watching Sam grow into the man he is now was heart wrenching. He hugged Sam tighter.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Eileen said, suddenly appearing behind Sam with an amused smile on her face. Sam instantly separated himself from Castiel.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Sam said.

Castiel raised a brow, his head tilting in confusion. “What does it look like?” He asked curiously.

Eileen giggled. “He’s a little on edge because I’ve been teasing him about his crush on you since we got here,” she said.

“ _ Eileen _ ! Don’t tell him that; It’s embarrassing!” Sam groaned. Castiel looked at Sam more closely and took note of his alarmingly red face and stiff stance.

“Sorry. I just think it’s really cute,” Eileen countered, looking sincerely apologetic but also still very amused by Sam’s behavior.

“Crush? Sam, do you still hold feelings for me?” Castiel asked, moving closer to Sam and putting his hand on his shoulder.

Sam remained silent before finally giving in with a sigh. “I thought I was over it, you know?” Castiel nodded. “But after seeing you again and spending time with you, those feelings crept back up again. It’s not as though I love Eileen any less or anything like that, but I do… have feelings for you still.”

Castiel nodded, listening to Sam’s feelings closely. When Sam finished speaking, Castiel pulled him into his arms once again and held him tightly. Things would’ve been easier if Castiel loved Sam back then. He’d thought about it many times over the years. Sam would’ve treated him better. He would’ve protected Castiel and loved him with every fibre of his being.

But it didn’t work out like that.

Afterwards, Castiel turned to Eileen and held her hands. “I apologize. If I made things difficult here for you, I really am sorry,” he said. Castiel knew how it felt to watch the person you love cling to someone else, probably better than anyone.

Eileen shook her head. “There’s no need to apologize, Cas. I understand Sam’s feelings and I would be doing him a disservice, as someone who loves him, to force him to hide his feelings away. He needs this closure and, to be completely honest, it looks like you do.”

Castiel smiled fondly. “You’re an amazing person, Eileen. I’m very thankful you’re in Sam’s life, and I’m extremely lucky that you’re also in my life as well,” he said. He paused for a moment before turning to Sam and stepping towards him. “Sam, growing up, I longed to love you in the way I loved Dean.”

Eileen pointed towards the kitchen before walking in there with a smile on her face. Sam and Castiel were both extremely grateful.

“You did?” Sam asked, eyes cast downward. He shifted on his feet, now nervous of what Castiel wanted to say.

“Yes,” answered Castiel. “But I wasn’t capable of doing that. While you and I were extremely close, Dean and I were just… on another level altogether. Part of it was your age, I admit; I felt extremely weird wanting to love someone who was nearly five years younger than me. The other part, however, was my heart. It wanted Dean, and I couldn’t help but listen to it.”

“No matter how much it hurt you?” All these years, Sam was relieved he could finally ask all these questions. It wouldn’t change anything in their lives  _ now _ , but thirteen year old Sam was another story. That Sam could finally get the closure he needed to close that chapter in his life. Sam now was determined to do right by him.

Castiel nodded. “Yes. No matter how much Dean hurt me, I still wanted him. And there was no way I was going to drag you into that mess. You deserved better than me.”

“It’s funny, you know,” Sam stated, a wistful smile on his face. “Dean thought the same way. He thinks you deserve better than him. It’s just a never-ending cycle between you two. The thing about it, though, is that by thinking that, you took away  _ my _ choice just like Dean took away yours.”

Castiel tilted his head. “I… Didn’t even think about it like that,” he admitted. “You’re completely right. This whole time I’d wanted to protect you, but I should’ve respected you enough to let you decide if you needed to be protected or not. I’m truly sorry, Sam.”

Sam pulled him into a tight hug. “It’s okay now, Cas. Everything happens for a reason, yeah?” He chuckled. “Besides, like I said, I have Eileen in my life now. I let you go a long time ago, but I think thirteen year old me needed to have this.”

Castiel clung to his tall friend, a soft smile on his face. “We both needed this. I love you, Sam,” he said. “Thank you for accepting me back into your life.” Sam pulled away slightly and leaned his forehead against Castiel’s.

“I love you, too, Cas,” Sam replied. Castiel closed his eyes and relished this moment with one of his best friends. “Thank  _ you _ for coming back to us.”

Castiel was going to reply, but both men froze when they heard a camera shutter go off. Instantly, they turned and looked in the direction the sound was coming from and saw Eileen holding her phone up with an extremely pleased smile on her face. A bit smug, too.

“ _ Eileen _ !” Sam groaned.

“What? It’ll make a cute photo to hang on the fridge!” Eileen answered.

Castiel went to her side. “May I see how it came out?” Eileen showed him her screen and he immediately lit up. “Oh, Sam, it’s a wonderful picture! Please send it to me when you can.”

“Sure thing!” Eileen replied. She smiled up at Sam. “It’ll be a nice memory to have, don’t you think?”

Eventually, Sam nodded and smiled warmly at her. “You’re right. Thanks, Eileen.” Eileen smiled back in response. She showed Sam the photo and gave him a teasing smile when his cheeks turned red.

“Let me make you both some breakfast,” Castiel said. The couple thanked him and made themselves comfortable on the couch while Castiel cooked. He and Dean had eaten pancakes earlier, but he was out of the box powder and he forgot to buy some when they went yesterday. All he could make the couple was scrambled eggs with spinach, bacon, and sausage with some fruit on the side. 

“Hey, you were watching the Wizard of Oz?” Sam asked them, talking a bit louder to be heard over the stove fan, and signing along for Eileen.

“Yes, I’d mentioned to Dean that I wanted to watch it again and he surprised me with early birthday gifts,” answered Castiel with a pleased smile.

“You used to make us watch  _ all _ the time! But I haven’t seen it since you left. Did you still quote and sing everything?” Then he turned to Eileen. “Back then, this was Cas’s favorite movie and he used to make us watch just about every single day. He would quote the entire movie and sing all the songs. One time, when he was on a sugar rush, I think he was ten or something, he even danced to If I Only Had A Brain. It was impressive,” Sam gushed.

Castiel blushed. “I completely forgot about that!” He hid his face in embarrassment at Sam’s laughing.

“Hey, I thought it was cute. So, did you? Do all of that?"

“Yes. Although, I’m sad to say that I didn’t do the dancing, I did, however, quote a majority of the movie and sang all the songs. To my surprise, Dean did all of it with me,” he explained as he grabbed a couple of plates. “Turns out, he kept watching a few times a year.”

Sam tilted his head. “He never told me about that,” he mumbled. “He talked about it a few times, but I never saw him watching it. To be fair, though, I do live in another state.”

“That’s true. Knowing Dean, he probably didn’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation,” Castiel replied.

“Dean and I watched this movie a few times,” Eileen chimed in. “It was probably easier to watch it with me because I don’t know the whole story of what happened back then.”

Sam nodded along. “I’m pretty sure you’re right about that. Ah, Dean, always the emotionally constipated. But,” he sighed, “I’m real proud of him. The fact that he’s able to open up now and have conversations about his feelings, it’s really awesome. He’s come far.”

Castiel set their plates on the table and gave Sam a grin. “He was able to do that with you and Eileen’s support. I’m very thankful to be a witness to it all. To him becoming the man he was almost meant to be,” he said. “Breakfast is ready. It’s nothing fancy.”

Sam and Eileen took their seats at the table. “Cas, this is great!” Eileen praised.

“I agree with my lovely significant other,” Sam replied as he kissed Eileen on the cheek. “It’s perfect, Cas.”

“Thank you both so much. I’ll be over here reading until it’s time for me to go write.”

Sam and Eileen said their thanks again and got to eating, smiling at one another when their eyes met. Castiel sat in his recliner, reading his book silently. He mind wandered to Dean often.

Once they were finished and their dishes were washed, Eileen and Sam took a seat on the couch and flipped through TV stations.

“Hey,” Sam said, getting Castiel’s attention, “Did Dean say where he was walking to?”

Castiel shook his head. “He just said he was going to do a little bit of exploring.”

“Hopefully he didn’t run into any trouble,” Sam thought aloud. “I know this isn’t a dangerous place, but I still worry.”

“Dean can handle anything thrown his way,” Eileen said. “He’s very strong.”

Sam huffed. “I know that, but I’m still worried.”

Castiel chuckled. “I used to tell Dean the same thing about you growing up. But, you know him, always the parent.”

“He would say stuff like that?” Sam asked.

“Yes. During school, he’d ask me random things such as ‘ _ I wonder if Sammy is getting to his class all right. Did he tell you about that little shit who’s been picking on him? _ ’ or ‘ _ Sammy eats so much, Cas, do you think I packed up enough food for his lunch? _ ’ and, of course, ‘ _ I’m so proud of Sam. He’s smart as all hell. _ ’.” Castiel certainly didn’t mean to reveal so much, but the smile on Sam’s face was definitely worth it.

“I remember watching him make all of us dinner, packing my lunch, making sure I got to class on time, all my extra classes and clubs after school and on weekends, too. I remember him making it to every single damn basketball game I ever played. Both of you. You would even come watch me practice. It was like you two were my parents,” Sam admitted. “I know Bobby came whenever he could, and did what he could, but you and Dean were both constants. I hope that makes sense.” Sam stopped himself from rambling too much.

Castiel felt his heart fill with warmth at Sam’s words and he reached over to grab Sam’s hand. He held it tightly as he spoke, “Sam, it truly means the world to me that you thought of me as, not only part of your family, but as such an important role in your life.”

Sam glanced up at him. “Really?”

Castiel nodded emphatically. “Yes, of course!” He said. “Truthfully, I didn’t think I had such an impact in your life. I just wanted to help my best friend through a tough time, but then I met you and Bobby and my life changed for the better.”

Sam gave him such a grateful smile, squeezing Castiel’s hand in return.

“And watching you grow up for the years that I did was amazing. From a young boy getting into Bobby’s books to watching you getting all A’s in school and being the star basketball player, it was like watching my own child grow up. I’ve always wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want you to feel like I was trying to replace your parents at all,” explained Castiel as he thought back to going to Parents Night with Dean at school when Bobby became too sick and hearing the praise Sam’s teachers spoke of him.

Sam gave a lift of his shoulder. “I never really knew my parents, Cas, only through stories Dean and Bobby told me. Dean, Bobby, and you are the only parents I ever knew.”

Castiel couldn’t stop the tears that built in his eyes. “Knowing that,” he said, voice breaking slightly, “Makes me an extremely happy man.” Sam’s eyes were also red and filled with tears as he pulled Castiel into another tight hug.

Eileen watched with a smile on her face, thankful to the Gods and everything Holy that Sam had Castiel in his life again, and that she was able to be part of all of this.


End file.
